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How to Duck Your Therapist

  So I missed my appointment with my therapist on Monday because I am an idiot. I knew that I had an appointment on Monday back home in Pa with my podiatrist. For some reason, I thought that it was in the morning, or at least early in the afternoon. But it wasn't it was at 4:00pm. That meant that I had to take the 6:10pm bus back to NYC. I didn't get back to my dorm until 9:30pm. While I was standing in line for the bus I suddenly remembered that I had made an appointment with my therapist for 6:00pm that day. I looked at my phone and it was 5:58pm. Yikes. I thought, "I should call." The problem is I have this weird anxiety about talking on the phone, especially when I have to tell someone over the phone something that they're not going to want to hear. I knew she would understand. Even if she were mad, she wouldn't show it. It's her job to make me feel better, not worse. But I would've felt worse if she had said something like, "Well, I'm disappointed that you can't make it." Or if she made even expression of disappointment in me at all. I can't take that. I'm too much of a people-pleaser to handle that. So I just didn't call. I knew I would feel even worse when I eventually did talk to her but it didn't matter. I was too afraid to call. I knew it would happen but to my horror I got a call from her at 6:30pm while I was on the bus. I didn't answer it. I was too afraid. I was surprised to see that she didn't leave a message. I figured she would send me a secure message through the Health Center's website.
  When I got home I read the secure message. This is what it read:

"Hi Sara,

I noticed you missed your appointment today with me and wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I would be happy to reschedule with you for another time. Please either call me at 212-XXX-XXXX or contact the front desk at 212-XXX-XXXX to make an appointment.

Take care,

XXXX XXXXXX XXXXX, Ph.D."

I was very surprised to see no expression of disappointment. Nothing bad at all. I had no reason to contact her, except for my anxiety about talking on the phone. I was hoping she would tell me to simply reply to that message via the site. I didn't call.
  She called me again on Wednesday at 9:08am. I was asleep. I woke up and looked at my phone. I was horrified to see her number. I didn't answer it. I don't know why. I guess by that time I was afraid that it was all too obvious that I was ducking her. So I continued to duck her, naturally. She said in the voice message she left me that she knew that I had an appointment (regarding medication management) with another Dr. S that day at 10:30am. She said that she would try to see me when I came in then. "Fuck," was my first thought. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her in person, it was that I had to reschedule that appointment and I was going to go in early to do so (I had biology lab at 11:00am and so I wouldn't be able to attend an hour appointment beginning at 10:30am. When I scheduled that appointment originally, I had forgotten all about Wednesday biology labs.) So I wouldn't be there at 10:30am. It would seem as though I were ducking her even more than it already did. I rescheduled the medication management appointment for Friday and the appointment with my therapist for the following Friday.
  On Friday I had the rescheduled appointment regarding my medication. It was less than helpful. I didn't care for the woman I saw. Apparently the woman I had seen previously (Dr. S)no longer worked there; the day I had my appointment scheduled with her was to be her last day. It's a shame because I really liked her. Anyway, as I walked with this new psychologist to her office we passed my therapist's office. She was in there. Damn. She came out when I passed by. She said, "Hi Sara!" cheerfully. I turned around and said, "Oh, Hi." I tried to say it without seeming at all awkward. I think I still was. That was the extent of our exchange. So here I am. My therapist believes I am ducking her. I'm positive that she must believe that. I am ducking her, but I have no idea why at this point. It's just awkward. The whole situation is awkward. I have no idea how I will explain it to her at my next appointment. I cannot even explain it clearly here, written down. It's sure to be awkward. Everything in my life is always awkward and I do it to myself. I should have called her when I realized that I was going to miss the appointment. My fear of the awkwardness of talking on the phone prevented me from doing so. So now I am stuck in a much, much more awkward situation. Why am I so awkward?