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Planning For The Spring Semester

    First off, in reference to my last post: I saw my therapist on Friday. She did ask me about missing my last appointment and I told her that I was in transit during the time of our appointment because I had forgotten about the appointment entirely. She said okay as though she understood but didn't seem totally convinced that I was telling the truth. I can't blame her. It did come across as though I was ducking her and I was expecting her to believe that. But nonetheless, she moved on pretty quickly and it wasn't all that awkward.
    So I recently came to the realization that I am going to fail my stats class. I decided that I was going to have to withdraw from the class as a result. I wanted to find out if I could get a medical withdrawal on the basis that my depression has caused my to fall behind in my schoolwork (which it really has). So I posted in the community "crazy_academics" here on livejournal to ask about how to obtain a medical withdrawal from a class. Some helpful people there told me to go to the disability services office and inquire about it there. So on Thursday that's what I did. I spoke to a very helpful woman there who had me register with the disability services office. I so I did that and she made a phone to put the withdrawal in motion. All I needed to do was to have my psychologist (my therapist at the counseling center) fill out a form saying that I have depression and the medication I'm on for it, etc. and sign it and return it to the disability services office. So when I went to my appointment with my therapist on Friday, this is what we discussed.
    So I started off the appointment by bringing up how I have been horribly depressed lately and how I had stopped doing all of my school assignments and stopped going to my classes (except for one, because I really like that class and because it's pretty easy). I told her that I had at first only done this with my stats class and as a result I was doing the worst in that class. In fact, I am on track to fail it. I told her that it was for this reason that I went to the disability services to obtain a medical withdrawal. So we discussed my depression for the whole session. I had really been in denial about being depressed. I didn't even want to admit it myself so I had been denying that I was depressed to my therapist. She said that she felt glad that I was able to finally admit it. She said she thought that I had stopped doing my school work in order to somehow cry out for help or something. I think she may be right. For about the week and a half after being back in NYC after Thanksgiving break I didn't go to class or do anything school related. I didn't even participate in any social activities. I only left my room once or twice a day to get something to eat at one of the dining halls. I didn't even shower for that entire 10 day period. It was pathetic. I guess I really wanted someone to notice. I could no longer bring myself to care about school (as a result of my depression) so I think I wanted someone to notice that I was depressed. It didn't really work with anyone, other than my therapist, who I could have told about it without screwing up in all my classes. That's all I did was sabotage myself. And now all I have to show for it is a W on my transcript and some bad grades in my other classes as well. At least I have come to terms with my depression and now I, as well as others, will take it more seriously.
    At the end of my session with my therapist, we negotiated the plan for next semester. I originally came in to talk with my therapist just to discuss joining a support group through the counseling center for students with alcoholic and substance-abusing parents. We had decided to meet one-on-one for this semester and I would participate in the group next semester because I was very nervous about having to talk about family issues in front of other people. I still cannot talk about my family issues with breaking down and crying and I am still afraid of breaking down like that in front of other people. My therapist assured me that the others in the group would be very understanding. She really wants me to join the group next semester, as planned but like I said, I am very nervous about it. She also said that she would like me to continue to meet with a psychologist outside of the counseling center in order to continue to work on my issues. Next week she is going to give me a few names of psychologists in the area. The counseling center only provides short term counseling for free. After that, they refer you to a therapist outside the center for you to continue therapy, if you need it. I am very nervous about the idea of meeting a new therapist. I feel like I got very lucky with the therapist I have now because she is extremely understanding and she seems knowledgeable about the issues I have. I am afraid that I will not be able to find another therapist that I can trust as easily as I can trust my current therapist. I also have a lot of anxiety when meeting and getting to know new people so I am afraid that I won't even see anyone long enough to be able to trust them so I'll just sabotage myself. I hope I can find a really good therapist because seeing my current therapist has made me realize just how badly I need therapy. I also hope that I will have the courage to attend and open up to the support group next semester. *Fingers crossed*

Sincerely,
Sara J.