So my father is coming to pick me up on Wednesday to take me back home to Pa. I am not happy about it at all. Funny thing is, my mother says that he suggested it. Why? Why would he want to? I don't know why, but for some reason, he tries to have a relationship with me. We don't get along, at all. I am generally pissed at him for everything he has put me and my family through and so most of the time I try to avoid him. When I can't avoid him, I try not to talk to him. When I have to talk to him, I keep our conversation to a minimum. This really angers him. He can't understand for the life of him why I don't like him. So he gets angry, like always. Anger is pretty much the only emotion he is capable of, I have concluded. He gets angry at me for avoiding him and not wanting to talk to him. So why doesn't he just avoid me? Why won't he let me take the bus home so neither of us has to endure the long car ride home from NYC to Mountain Top, Pa? Why does he want to be in a car with me for two and a half hours when he knows I am not going to talk to him? Is he just so dumb and naive that he thinks that this time it will be different? It's never different. It's always the same, with everything. Anything with my family is always the same and yet all of us are always hoping for something different. It will never be different. I have realized this long ago and so I have given up. I avoid because I know that regardless of what I do, nothing is going to change it. My brother has come to this realization as well but he has a completely different approach. He thought is more, "Well, this is as good as it's going to get, so I may as well make the best of it." My thought is, "This is as good as it's going to get and it's not good enough for me. I don't deserve this abuse and I refuse to endure it." My brother handles being home better, though. For him, "being home" means out somewhere in NEPA with his friends. It doesn't mean at home with the family. When I go home, I tend to stay home. This must be why going home is worse for me. My brother is never there to endure or witness the abuse. He just isn't there, ever. If I could get over my depression I could go out more when I am home. But I'm depressed which just makes me want to stay in my room all day. It prevents me from wanting to go anywhere. So I stay home wallowing in my depression while my family makes me more depressed. It's a vicious cycle, really.
- Current Location:United States, New York, New York
- Current Mood: pissed off
- Current Music:Telephone by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce