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The Two Voices in My Head

I am an angry person. I hate myself for being an angry person. I am no better than my father whom is the worst person in the world. I want to cut open my arms and bleed to death because I deserve it. I hate myself almost as much as I hate my father. I hate other people. No one else can understand me. Everyone else can cope life just fine. I can't seem to get it together and cope with normal life events. I want to torture myself for this. I deserve it so being such a tremendous failure. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve therapy or to get well. I deserve to die slowly and painfully. The world lets me off easy so I have to punish myself. I can't let myself be complacent. That will only lead to failure because my standards will slip and I will have no self-discipline. Everyone else is better than me. I am just scum. I'm going to kill myself. I really am. I mean it. I don't deserve life and I can't deal with it so I would rather die. Fuck everyone. No one cares about me. No one will miss me. No one will notice that I am gone. If they do, they will be glad. I was only a nuisance wasting resources that would be better utilized by someone else who is better. If I die I fail. If I live I fail. I may as well die. It would hurt less.

I am so sad. I am so sad that these thoughts cross my mind. I don't give myself a chance. It takes time to get better. It takes too long. When will I feel better? When will the anti-depressants do their job? I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy. I have reasons to be happy. I am going to a good school. I can and will succeed. Like I always do eventually. I will suffer setbacks along the way but they will not cause me to fail. I will overcome them. I am strong and I know that I can because I have in the past. I have it better now. I have many more reasons to be happy now. I don't need anything else than what I have. I love my life. I love myself. I don't want to die. I want to live and I want to be happy. I can be happy. I deserve to be happy. I haven't been happy enough in my life. I deserve more. I can have more. Why not? I am extremely successful. I have accomplished so much. I don't need to accomplish any more. I have already done enough. Anything extra is just a bonus. I am proud of myself. Others should be inspired by me. I am a good person. I am a great person. Others should look up to me. I am a role model. I love me. Everyone loves me. I am so kind and giving. I take nothing from anyone. I always consider others feelings before mine. I don't consider my own feelings enough. I deserve more me time. I deserve to have self-esteem. I love life. My past is the past. It doesn't have to dictate my future. I will think positively. I will be a happy and positive person. Yes, I will. I deserve bliss.

I wish that second voice in my head, the one saying good things were louder but it gets drowned out by the negative one. I can't hear the positive one at all. I only hear the negative one on a daily basis. I will try my hardest to change this. I will try-- no, I WILL BE positive. I will pat myself on the back. I will be happy for myself. I will not compare myself to others. I will be happy just being me. From now on, I will do this.

Sara J.