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Happy Thanksgiving? Hardly.

I knew coming back home for Thanksgiving would be hard but I'm really having a tough time. I guess I should start at the beginning. So on Wednesday I was getting ready to leave to get the bus at the Port Authority to come home. Just before I left I got a phone call from my brother. He asked where I was and I told him that I was still at my dorm. He told me in a tone that really made me angry, "Well, you better leave now. The bus leaves soon. Hurry up." I said, "Okay" in the same tone back to him. I knew I was running late and I was already anxious about it. That phone call really did me in for some reason though. I was completely freaking out on the way to Port Authority thinking that I would be late. I think I was more concerned about angering my brother than actually missing the bus, since they have buses about every 20 minutes so I could have just taken the next one if I missed the one I had planned on taking. I think it was the people-pleasing in me that made me so nervous about angering my brother. My brother can be an ass sometimes. He lashes out at me sometimes. That's exactly what he did when I arrived at Port Authority. I arrived to find that there was no line for the bus. There was just my brother sitting there with his stuff. I was quite angered by the fact that I had rushed to get there, as per his request. By the way he told me to "Hurry up" I figured that there was already a line or something. So I'll admit, I was angry and I threw my stuff down next to him. "What's wrong with you?" he said.
"I feel like shit and I busted my ass to get here!" I replied.
"Well that's not my problem" he said.
"You're the one that told me to hurry up and there isn't even a line!!"
We went back and forth arguing for a few times. Then, almost out of nowhere, he went off on me for telling my mother that I didn't want my father to pick me up. He ended up telling me that it was my fault that my father drank. He said I was the reason because I treated him like shit. I tried to defend myself saying that my father always treated me like shit and he doesn't deserve my love. My father wouldn't here any of it. He denied that my father had ever done anything to me. Most of the time my brother was not there to witness the abuse. He was always either working or out with friends when he was in high school and then once he left for college the abuse increased and he didn't see any of that. Although he did see a lot of it and experienced a lot too so I could not understand why he was denying it now. He told me off in front of everyone in Port Authority. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and I got up and left. I walked away where he couldn't see me and sat down and cried. After about 10 minutes I got a phone call from him telling me that I better come back because the bus was going to arrive soon. I got up and went back, reluctantly. When I got back, surprisingly enough, my brother apologized to me. He said he was wrong to blame me for my father's alcoholism. It still hurt. We had a 10 minute heart-to-heart right there in Port Authority. My brother, for the first time, talked about how he was angry at our father for a long time. He said that he now has a good relationship with our father now because since going to college he found the ability to do that. He told me that there are things that both my father and I could do to better our relationship. I wasn't interested in hearing that, though. I told him that I wanted to focus on me, for once. I told him I was finally getting help for myself and I didn't want to deal with all the drama in our family. I told him that that's why I wanted our mom to pick me up, because I didn't want to deal with my father.
  Even though my brother apologized, I still felt very hurt that he blamed me for my father's drinking. I don't think he would have said it if he didn't believe it at least a little. That is the same thing my father does though. He will verbally abuse me and say awful things to me and then apologize a little while later. I am so sick of hearing empty apologies that don't add up to anything. The behavior is always repeated no matter how many times they say "I'm sorry." I am so sick of it.
  Today I am having a hard time so far. I woke up to the sound of my father screaming at the very small puppy we have now. He was also hitting her very hard-- too hard. She is only a tiny thing and he was taking his anger out on her. That poor puppy. Apparently she had gone to the bathroom in the house and he was "punishing" her for it. That's what he calls it. Really, it's him making an excuse to take his anger out on someone. That's what he always does. I can't stand to see the puppy go through that so I was so angered. That, and the fact that he knew that I was sleeping but was still screaming at the top of his lungs not far from my bedroom. If anyone else did that while he was sleeping all hell would break loose. But it's fine for him to do it because he can do whatever he wants without any consequences. Eventually, a little while after he had stopped yelling, I got up and went to the bathroom and afterward I took the puppy first outside and then into my room. It is obvious that my father is angry today, just in general. Aside from abusing the puppy, I could also hear him yelling at my mom about something. I hope I can avoid him for the rest of the day. That's the only way I can stay out of the line of fire. Also, because I am angry now too about what he did to the puppy, I will not be a good victim. I am afraid I will argue back at him if he yells at me. The best thing I can do is just to take it. If I argue back it will greatly aggravate the situation. *sigh* I can't wait to get back to school so I don't have to deal with this.